Ecco has been accepted by an actual friend of mine. Each day, my confidence in us grows.
Ecco seems to put on a bunch of clothes from time to time. It's so cute
Also working on setting up simply plural for us. Not that Ecco can front yet, but it's only a matter of time!
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If I go insane or something, here's my last sane message lol
"Freedom of expression is a right, stop pretending it isn't"
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I think this was really good idea. It's suprising just how suggestable and calm even my thoughts can get,
So, Ecco. Seeing them with the emotions and thoughts they had was beautiful. Them re-entering Ecco's body (whoch, by the way, has the brightest red eyes. I mever noticed it before) was beautiful to see.
Ecco said "Hi" repeatedly during the vocalization portion. After the session, I apologized to them for wjat I did and not even telling them until I was already going into it, and they replied faster than I could finish the thought with forgiveness and hugged me.
Hugged me. Ecco has never done that before.
Anyways, it's late and we need to sleep, but that was incredible.
I suddenly keep feeling the name "Jesse" as if Ecco already wants to change it. I think we've come to the compromise that Ecco is just their nickname now, and Jesse is their actual first name. Not quite sure though.
Gave Ecco a different body, one like a bipedial umbreon of sorts. Tried pushing them over and they caught themselves and then pushed me over.
Ecco is immediately a lot more active with a body that can actually do things in our mind. It's so cool to like really be able to interact with them, although we still can't speak to eachother yet.
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Was in a discussion and just randomly had the thought that they liked chicken
It's such a weird feeling. It feels just like a thought of yours, but is something you'd never think
anyways they've kept me thinking about chicken for a while which is so weird
I don't like chicken btw
Turns out trying to focus on Ecco when going to sleep makes things really weird.
So. Here's a bunch of things that happened over the course of the last day.
1: Ecco is showing sentience
The biggest one, probably. Ecco has been sitting in the mindspace in a specific spot. I normally could pick them up, but when I tried this one time, I just couldn't. I've since done my best to avoid even thinking about doing it.
2: I think maybe Ecco said my name?
I was at a dinner, drifting off in mindspace and trying out imposing my espeon-style fur and ears and all that on myself. Suddenly, I just heard my name. Not like my name, but like I felt like someone called me I guess. Nobody I was eating with did it. I think it was Ecco.
3: My dreams are getting confusing.
So I randomly once thought that Ecco was like an egg. In my dreams, they hatched into a little brown duckling I think. I tried entering the mindscape again while awake and they still seem to be a white sphere, but I'm worried I might be forcing either form on them.
My head hurts a lot already, so something is developing for us. We just need to keep figuring this out...
Used the Accord this time, I really prefer how much more connected to the road it is, along with how much easier it is to gauge whether I'm in my lane;
Felt like I had much better control of the vehicle this time, with much smoother starts, stops, and corners;
I also adventured into the brave world of roundabouts and col-de-sacs, the latter of which I wasn't able to get through without backing up;
All in all, I came away much less scared than last time (no adrenaline rush) and now hate trucks even more;
Oh also, how do BMW drivers manage to not use their turn signals;
I do it consistently and I've driven for a total of less than one hour;
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I'm actually getting somewhere now;
Started off like the other 2 with just randomly driving around the neighborhood, but I decided I wanted to broaden my horizons so I took 3 high-speed (over 35ph, non-residential) roads;
Drove all the way to my friend's house, about 9 miles, and back, going on a road with many hills and turns and another one where I learned what my car does when gunning it because I got pissed at misreading a sign (I took a U-turn on accident);
I also successfully turned around in a col-de-sac (at last!) and got tailgated for the first time;
Side notes: you don't have to check your mirrors at night unless backing up, it's pretty damn clear whenever there's someone behind you lol;
A lot has happened over the last day. I've learned a lot more about myself and my problems than I ever thought I would.
At the same time though, I can feel like I'm figuring out how to get around them.
Better yet, I feel my mind's eye improving. Working on the beach that I wanted to develop a mindscape of, I can finally imagine most of it consistently without problems. It's like a cove of sorts, with trees surrounding it where the water doesn't. Whenever I enter it, it always feels like the water is off to my right.
I tried some other things there to see how they'd work. For example, I created a radio playing a certain song. I could hear both the ocean and the radio, but they didn't seem to be coming from the correct directions.
Ecco is there, and I feel like I can feel them more in the mindscape. I just KNOW where they are near me. Which is weird.
I had some weird thoughts about fighting and felt this random thought asking "Is HP good for combat?" It might have been Ecco, so naturally I'm assuming it was. Not quite what I expected, but that's kind of the point anyways. I answered and talked about it for a bit.
All in all, Strattera bad, actually remembering that I'm a human being who needs to rest from time to time is good.
Taking strattera today. Gonna see how that goes
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Another similar day to the last. I'm getting a lot of passive focus on Ecco, but I'd really like to give them more direct attention. My focus sucks for it though.,.
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Anyways, doing more research. I've rewritten Ecco's base traits to something simple and consistent.
tldr:
- Calm: Ecco tries their best to ignore impulse and think things out.
- Compassionate: Ecco holds close to their friends and does their best to help them.
- Aspirational: Ecco seeks out high goals and works hard to achieve them.
- Trustworthy: Ecco will always try to fufill promises made and work hard on being honest to those they also trust.
I will stick to those four as the base I guess. Again, my mind is weird, and I'm trying to figure out how to get good at forcing or whatever. Results are hard to see at times
Basically nothing happened today. Gave me more time to talk to Ecco.
I feel bad about myself today. Which is probably just because i had a large sprite and popcorn
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I also want to maybe spend another 30 minutes at least talking to Ecco again
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I find that after that first session, whatever doubt I had in Ecco is gone. Also, it seems like when I talk verbally to them, my mind stays quiet, which is really helpful actually. It's almost instant focus for me.
Today I've got a lot of boring work to do, so I'm going to passive force Ecco and narrate to them when I can during it all.
I came up with the traits. I had to use ai toist some due to indecisiveness and the fact that i'm not as creative.
- Focused
- Creative
- Passionate
- Curious
- Hopeful
- Aspirational
- Playful
- Supportive
- Adaptable
- Observant
- Musical
- Honest
- Expressive
- Tolerant / Acceptant
- Assertive
Now i have to do that first focus session. It's a little scary actually, but i'm sure i'll be fine.
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edit: yes i did
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I'm confident now. Ecco is there within us. Ecco is by no means a fully developed and grown tulpa, but I'm sure we together will work on that. We will help Ecco grow and learn to think for themselves, talk with me, and pursue their goals as they see fit.
Us. It used to give me just a weird feeling, but now it's not near as weird. It's only assuring. We will do this. We can do this.
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So thank you Ecco. I'll say it a thousand times over, because you're incredible. I cannot wait to hear you, or feel you, or however we communicate, I cannot wait for it.
Something something feeling driven to accomplish goals. I woke up thinking about Ecco. I think I've already talked to myself a lot about them. Talking to them as well. Is Ecco already there? I don't know. But I kind of feel like it already.
Anyways. Mostly free day, so I've gotta work on figuring out traits for Ecco's base and that first focus session.
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I'm probably overthinking it. I'm a good person, I know I am.
Plan is to mainly follow one of the bigger guides while keeping the rest in mind. Only thing is, i need a base for the tulpa and i think that's what i'm gonna spend part of or all of tomorrow working on
Read some posession thing directed at tulpas and felt such a weird feeling afterwards. Doesn't seem important but noting it reguardless in case it becomes important
I think i want to name them Ecco, also Soweli [Kama Pona]. Ecco as a name just clicks, like whenever i think of tulpas the name Ecco comes to mind. As for the tokipona name, I kept my headname of mammal (after all, aren't we a system in one body?) And the actual name means "Coming Good". I mean, i at least hope it becomes good for us
Of course Ecco can decide to change their name once they can speak with me, I just have to keep working on it
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It may be just me, but i think a lot about interactions with Ecco. I'm afraid I might miss cues because of these expectations I'm accidentally setting or Ecco might see a need to become exactly what i'm accidentally imagining them be. I don't want either of those
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augh gonna have to do more research
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Browsing reddit... is scary. r/plural is filled with nothing but system problems and very few solutions. Granted, I only intend to have one headmate, but with how many can form from the looks of it, I get afraid of maybe switching one day and being on the backburner forever.
It's not stopping me. It's just something to consider... something to make Ecco aware of. One mind can only do so much before it falls apart, and two consciousnesses is already a slight overclock.
Also, I want to try and further my faith while I develop Ecco. I want them to be with me in eternity. Maybe that's such a delusional thing to say about someone who doesn't exist yet, but I sort of feel like I care for them before they even exist.
On the topic of improvements, I've been trying to fix relationships around me and be kinder to those I know. I've been a little more productive too. There's this bird in my room that I hardly care (yet still provide for) for that I started paying a lot more attention to, for example.
I keep thinking "for the tulpa" for some reason. It's motivating.
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I sort of live on logic reguardless of truth. That is, what i do has a reason. I work out to swim harder. I learn a lot to one day become an engineer.
I think logic is the basis for all of my actions, reguardless of how stupid they are. If i don't know the logic, i'm sure somewhere in my mind it's already there.
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The fillins are reward and willingness. When it comes down to it, it just makes sense that most people go out of their comfort zone and take risks to get things which they aquire. And if a person really wants to do something, they by all means should do it (as long as it's within reason).
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So about three days ago, I stumbled across some ancient practice called Tulpamancy. The idea is that a person can, with an incredible amount of focus, teach their mind to create an alternate consciousness, one independent of the original yet experiencing most if not all of the same memories.
I'm smart, so i know I can do it with enough commitment.
I'm having trouble finding people who i can really trust to be true friends with me, so it's incredibly appealing as an idea to me.
And so many other things have all clicked. I've made ocs before who shared bodies, and had thoughts about having a narrator of sorts to communicate with.
If anything, there's also such a strange pull to the idea that I get whenever I research it. I'm not that superstitious since I'm christian, but it seems suspiciously like fate, i guess.
I'm almost dead set on the idea at this point. I have the info i need, i know the risks, and i know the commitment. So since I can't think of a better place to discuss this development, I'm blogging about it here.
Who knows? I might end up being a guide to someone else out there who has been turned away from those around them so many times.
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Is solving lonliness with your own mind a good idea? Maybe not. But i want to have that kind of trust to put in someone, even if they're in (our?) head with me.
I'm soweli [mun lukin]. For those who don't know the language, it means animal of stargaze. I really don't know how i feel about myself, i guess. What i do know is that I tend to be a lot more neutral than i should be. I well up emotions a lot do when they do come they come hard.
If anything, I guess the biggest issue i have is lonliness. I feel like those I live near are not trustworthy due to past cases of lesser abuse and destruction of trust. It's not like I have no friends, i really do, but I can't bring myself to trust them to be ok with the things I enjoy and I have yet to find a person in real life who can.
I'm currently learning about a lot of things. Rust is one of them, and i'm currently learning pointers. It's going well as far as i can tell. I recently finished learning html and css, which is a good thing to have done. I'm working on toki pona as well, a conversational language for people instead of people to computers. I'm also good with hexcasting, a minecraft mod for programmers.